What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
Last Updated: 30.06.2025 11:48
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
This is how, and why children get BPD.
I will be 64.
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
We all went to grammer schools
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
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Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
I was 9 years of age.
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
I waited trembling.
(And it was in our own minds.)
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
As i do to all so called friends.?
I know ,a lot about trauma.
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She was in good health!
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
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Thats was my nicest nick name for him
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
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He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
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My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
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But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
She married twice! .
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She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
Was to survive, this bastard.
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
The only rule us 5 kids had .
Especially a lifetime of it.
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
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She found it foreign!.
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
Where the ultimate outsiders.
Comes on , in middle age.
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
This is soul school!.
My family never makes their pension either.
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
I write beautiful poetry .
She wouldn,t have been !
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
One cannot live in the past .
And who doesn’t know suffering?
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
Im still living with it.
It was going to be , some day.
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
But, we were locked up after school.
Would this be the day?
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
He resisted the act ,that day.
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
Who then, do I blame.?
When she asked me how she looked .
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
What did i know ?
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
He knew the spot.
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
He was dying to do it , i knew.
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
I said to her
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
I was seconnd youngest,
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
And i lived it daily.
I never cut or harmed myself..
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
My life is so biszare .
She loved him until the end.
But ive been too sick for many years..
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
We were not on the streets..
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
I could never make a relationship work though!
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
On the 31st of Jan this month .
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
Im dying but, im not bitter.
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
I was scared of men, in general
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
Put me off passion for life!!
I have no regrets .
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
My mum and dad in the seventies!
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
So, i spoilt her more .
Ive learnt so much.
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
But it wasn’t much.
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
All the time i was locked up.
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
They are buried together, in the same grave..
I did it because my mum asked me too!
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
Why did i forgive my father ?
I think the readers, may guess!
I don,t even have a pension.
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
So whats the point in blame.
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
I was very sick at this time too.
I had hoped to write a book about this .
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
I couldn’t, believe it.